I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
