I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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