census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
