I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
