Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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