Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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