i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
