Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
