woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize