Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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