let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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