Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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