I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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