my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize