Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
