I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
