Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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