gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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