Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
