You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
