My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
