bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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