he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
