is your mom at the bar?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
