your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize