i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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