you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
