If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
