Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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