So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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