1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
