It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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