i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
