You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
