he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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