We need to rekindle our bromance
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
