Michael Bay diarrhea
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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