You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
