my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
