Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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