I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
