you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
