tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
