please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
