I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
