New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
