Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
