I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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