So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize