did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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