ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
