Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's blow job season.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
