It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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