Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
