whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
